THOUGHTS ON CO-PARENTING

When providing therapy to a child, my goal is to be equally supportive of all parents/guardians in their efforts to provide healthy and sound parenting.  In my experience, when parents separate there are often differences in how each parent navigates their own parenting relationship with their child which may be at odds with the other parent. Often there are also unresolved conflicts between the parents that may continue to generate discord in their relationship.  With the expected differences and possible conflicts it is important for parents to make continued efforts to communicate with one-another with respect even when they are in disagreement with each other in order to keep the “business” of parenting and negativity out of the realm of the child’s life to the best of the parent’s ability.  An important goal that parents can align with is keeping the child out of the middle so as to preserve the child’s experience of childhood.

A Coparenting therapist that I consult with, Pam Perkins, has expanded an attachment approach written about by Gordon Nerfeld, author of “Hold on to Your Kids”.  She compares the family members to a pack or tribe, terms that might help to have a more committed relation to the other parent when emotions are high.  A parent steps into the Alpha role no matter what the other parent does or doesn’t do in order to serve the health of the child.  Alphas are in charge and responsible for the whole tribe and welcome all members of the pack.  You may not have natural feelings of compassion for the other parent at this point but you can offer respect and safety. This can be demonstrated in texts, emails or talking in person whether the child is present or not. Try to stay out of reactivity and live in to responsiveness.  Don't wait for the other parent, if you appreciate something say so.

When the business of parenting spills over into the life of the child, in the form of children overhearing or sensing intuitively resentment or disrespect of another parent, children are being drawn into the role of parenting themselves.  The term for this is “parentification” of the child, which happens when the child tends to the emotional needs of either or both parents or in any way is given too much power by either or both parents.  When this happens childhood is interrupted and emotional responsibilities that the child is not prepared to take on can sabotage the child in different ways.   

My role as a therapist is to support the child in processing the feelings that the child is experiencing as a result of the conflict between the parents as well as all of the changes resulting from the dissolution of the parents relationship and home life together.  Moving to a parents new home, transitioning between two households with different parenting styles and environments and engaging with new partners of parents are all big changes for children.  In therapy I create a safe and supportive place where the child can explore their own experiences through play and the imaginative realm. Children find different ways of working through their experiences, enacting and releasing their responses to these changes. Once this therapeutic space is established in session children pretty much do the work themselves in their own creative way.  The changes that a child experiences may build resiliency for a child’s future, although any efforts parents can make to help their relationship to be less conflicted will greatly aid children in their work of self care, healing and becoming. From my perspective, of working with other separated parents neither parent gets everything they want all the time.  I encourage parents to try to secure the most important things they want for their child from the other parent but this all needs to be negotiated and compromised with the wellbeing of the child first and foremost.

GUIDELINES FOR SEPARATED OR DIVORCED PARENTS

Shared from mediationmatters.com

Directions:  Post these guidelines on your refrigerator as a reminder of your commitment to care.  Ask your child to let you know if you forget one of the rules.  Never reprimand your child when he or she gives you this feedback.

Dear parents, I’m just a kid, so please....Do not talk badly about my other parent.  (This makes me feel torn apart!  It also makes me feel bad about myself.)

Do not talk about my other parent’s friends or relatives.  (Let me care for someone even if you don’t)

Do not talk about the divorce or other grown-up stuff.  (This makes me feel sick.  Please leave me out of it!)

Do not talk about money or child support.  (This makes me feel guilty or like I’m a possession instead of your kid.)

Do not make me feel bad when I enjoy my time with my other parent.   (This makes me afraid to tell you things.)

Do not interrupt my time with my other parent by calling too much or by planning my activities during our time together.

Do not argue in front of me or on the phone when I can hear you!  (This just turns my stomach inside out!)

Do not ask me to spy for you when I am at my other parent’s home.  (This makes me feel disloyal and dishonest.)

Do not ask me to keep secrets from my other parent.  (Secrets make me feel anxious.)

Do not ask questions about my other parent’s life or about our time together.  (This makes me uncomfortable.  So just let me tell you.)

Do not give me verbal messages to deliver to my other parent.  (I end up feeling anxious about their reaction.  So please just call them.  Leave them a message at work or put a note in the mail.)

Do not send written messages with me or place them in my bag.  (This also makes me uncomfortable.)

Do not blame my other parent for the divorce or for things that go wrong in your life.  (This really feels terrible!  I end up wanting to defend them from your attack.  Sometimes it makes meme feel sorry for you and that makes me want to protect you.  I just want to be a kid, so please,....stop putting me in the middle.)

Do not treat me like an adult, it causes way too much stress for me.  (Please find a friend or therapist to talk with.)

Do not ignore my other parent or sit on opposite sides of the room during my school or sports activities.  (This makes me very sad and embarrassed.  Please act like parents and be friendly, even if it is just for me.)

Do let me take items to my other home as long as I can carry them back and forth.  (Otherwise it feels like you are treating me like a possession.)

Do not use guilt to pressure me to love you more and do not ask where I want to live.

Do realize that I have two homes, not just one.  (It doesn’t matter how much time I spend there.)

Do let me love both of you and see each of you as much as possible!  Be flexible even when it is not part of our regular schedule.

Thanks, your loving child.  Mediationmatters.com

Digital image made in a therapy session by a teen who wanted his separated parents to communicate.